I walk down the street, sweat dripping from my face, making my way back to my apartment as fast as I can. I'm fighting back tears as I unlock the front door and make my way upstairs to my room, where my laptop is sitting on my desk. I wait impatiently as it turns on... I have to write.
I'm not a biological parent who has given up my child for adoption or lost my child to the system. I am not a foster parent returning a child I have cared for to their biological parents. I am not a mother who has had a miscarriage. I am not a parent who has lost a child. I am not a married woman who has been trying to have children unsuccessfully. And yet, if someone was watching me closely on the street just now, they might assume I am one of those people. Who else would respond to the enthusiastic chatter of neighbor children with a cheerful greeting and smiles and then walk away with tears stinging in her eyes?
Me, apparently. Because that's what happened just now. I have been single (officially, at least) for over a year. There have been prospects of relationships here and there, including one that seemed to have some potential, but so far nothing has worked out. It's not even that I feel like I'm ready to get married and have a family. In fact, I know there is a lot that would need to happen before I'd be ready for that. But when you think you're close to having something and then realizing it's much, much further than you thought, it hurts a little. And you get discouraged. Sort of like running in a 20 mile race and getting all excited when you see a sign for mile 15, only to realize that what looks like a 1 is actually just a streak on the sign and you're only at mile 5.
Never in my life before this year has Mother's Day been hard for me. I'm unmarried, yes, but I'm still young, so it's not like I know I can't ever have kids. And since I've never had kids, I don't know what it feels like, but I do know that there are some children I have invested time and energy into that I love dearly. And yet, because of the stage of life I am in, and the relationship I have with them, I have no guarantees that they will still be in my life in a year, or even six months. I guess this life stage serves to remind me to entrust all of the people I care about to God so that when I have people that seem more permanent, I'll remember to trust God with that too.
A few years ago I thought I didn't want children. But a few years before that, it was the only thing I knew I wanted in life. I think teenaged me had a much better idea of this woman's mothering heart than college-aged me did. (Looks like there's a reason all I did growing up was play "house".) I don't know what "having children" will look like for me, and I have a tendency to try to protect myself from disappointment by telling myself I don't care if something happens, in case it doesn't. But I've learned in the last couple months that convincing yourself you don't want something so it hurts less when you don't get it doesn't work. If you want it, you want it, and it doesn't matter what you tell yourself. So I might as well admit that I want people to invest in that aren't just peers or a case at work.... I guess that means I want to be a wife and a mom someday. There. I said it.... now what?
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